Every so often I get this feeling of confusion. Out of the blue, and all of a sudden, it's like I become disconnected with the life I am leading, with my body, with my very essence.
It distinctly reminds me of those Talking Head lyrics, "This is not my beautiful house! This is not my beautiful wife! How did I get here?"
The confused feeling is exactly like when you suddenly forget how to spell a simple word, one that you use and see everyday, when a word like "and" or "what" looks somehow wrong or different, and you end up looking it up in the dictionary, to get validation of the letters that you doubtingly put down on paper. Validation. Proof. Reassurance...
It is in these moments that I wonder...
What the hell am I doing and why the hell am I doing it?
Am I doing the right thing?
Am I insane?
Thankfully, these moments are rare and fleeting, but when they happen I can't help but ponder on my chosen lifestyle. I often find myself asking questions like:
What is it about D/s that I am drawn to?
Shouldn't I just try to be "normal?"
Why on earth do I aspire to the life of a slave?
Yes, why do I choose this life?
I am constantly amazed by the high levels of intelligence and extreme creativity that I find in most everyone that I meet who is involved in "the lifestyle", which leads me to believe that we cannot ALL be insane. Right? (Well, not certifiably anyway)
Once I am solidly certain that I am not insane, I begin the analyzation. Personally, I like to use a method of deduction when I feel overwhelmed:
Insane? No. (See above for proof)
Desperate for attention? Hell no.
Just plain kinky? Nope.
Bored? I don't think so.
Looking for acceptance? Hmm, I may be on to something.
Embracing it's ideals? Yes...
Choosing to live by my own rules and beliefs, not by tradition and tired old American values? Yes, yes!
Wanting to create a life that is more intense, erotic, sensual & full then I have ever experienced? Absolutely.
Using D/s as a tool for self discovery, personal growth, spiritual awakening and overall enlightenment? Bingo!!!
My D/s
It only takes a few minutes of evaluation to realize that for me, D/s is so much more than just a way in which to have relationships, or relations.
To me, D/s is a teacher, a religion, if you will. Through it's lessons, I am able to give and receive, as I have never done before. I can feel! (Thank you Sensei!)
Through it's challenges, I am able to learn about myself, to open doors that I closed and locked, many years ago. I am opening!
D/s is about structure, discipline and strength of character...qualities that have been sorely lacking in my past. I am learning to control my impulses.
This lifestyle choice, is one in which Truth is paramount. Trust..honesty...truth. I am no longer held captive by fear.
In my life, the beauty and sensuality that can be seen, felt and created, every single day, by each and every one of us, is the key to many things.
D/s can be the guide that leads to ultimate intimacy, creativity and spark of life.
D/s is a way in which we can make magic, harness our inner power and, if used to it's fullest capacity, I believe that we can become so much more (or less, as the case may be) than we ever could without it.
That, is why I choose this life.
-kyuuri
