(2)
In the beginning of ones exploration within a D/s lifestyle, many people begin to break down the conditioning and mental blocks that they have received from family and society, and will often find themselves opening to new, more eccentric ideas of what they may or may not want from a relationship, however, conditioning is a very powerful, deeply rooted thing within our psyche, and to open to what seems to be a more radical approach to things without questioning oneself, would be fairly impossible. In other words, don't ever be afraid to question or to look for answers, for it is through these things that help us to learn and to feel confident in our decisions!
When I first started to break down my walls, I was really wondering about my sanity and had tons of self questions to find answers too like: What is it about me, dating a man who also lives with his female life partner and is free to DO whomever and whatever he wants in between, that I would find so incurably intriguing? And why is the prospect of being taught, mentored, trained or even controlled by that same man a thought that turns my insides into a hot, trembling, wanting lust that I have seldom felt in other circumstances? How could the brooding, painful suffering of tedious self analysis to work through fear, jealousy and some not-so-subtle blows to the ego become this crazy spiritual epiphany of which I have never reached before? Why do two totally opposite feelings, such as pain and pleasure, have that fine line that starts to smudge and gray into a feeling of “vibrating at a higher level”? And, why on earth do so many thousands of people around the globe share, in some way or another, the same sort of thoughts on this kind of lifestyle? What is it about D/s that is making ultra excited, uncontrollably passionate, seriously enlightened and even completely evolved lovers and partners out of the ones who practice it? Why is being in the toughest, most frustrating and complex (albeit sometimes mind blowing and miraculous) type of relationship the ONLY kind of relationship that I crave to be in...even though it goes against what I've envisioned of romantic love?
Well perhaps the answers are in the process.
I want to walk you through the process of becoming, as well as being a Dominant or submissive, as I have experienced it, and perhaps together we can begin to understand just a little bit more about our own all- powerful sexuality and about the many levels of our incredibly beautiful human nature. After all, if we can master ourselves, and understand why we need what we need, aren't we then so much more able to master our relationships with others?
Showing posts with label Submission. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Submission. Show all posts
Unconscious D/s
(1)
Those who understand others are intelligent
Those who understand themselves are enlightened
-Tao Te Ching
If you are reading this than you may be wondering if Dominance and submission is right for you, or, you may be wondering why anyone in their right mind would actively CHOOSE to participate in such a digressive pursuit, but either way I must start out by telling you that if you are in a relationship right now then you are practicing some form of Dominance and submission right now! You see, the concept of D/s is based, not on uncommon and extreme sexual tendencies, but on primal human instinct, human nature, human sexuality and the human mind. So logically, if one is A) human and B) in a relationship, then nature dictates that there will be one who is more Dominant and another more subservient.
With that said, one real differences between those who consciously participate in D/s and those who do not is...consent. And while that is simply one thing which separates us, consent is one of the most important and fundamental rules of a D/s lifestyle and something that we will talk a lot about in the following pages.
For now though, a great example of someone who is unconsciously practicing D/s is an old friend of mine (I'll call her Tracy to keep her privacy) who was married, and had been for a long time, to a man that she totally controlled. She was also in a position of control in her career and was very well known to be, for lack of a better phrase, a bad ass bitch. Needless to say, she was NEVER happy with her husband, always complaining about how she has to do everything, etc. etc. and I can guarantee you, that poor man did not have one ounce of power over Tracy and never, ever could as far as anyone on the outside could see. So anyway, we were having lunch and she was sort of gossiping about her lover... an older gent with a position in the company which was Superior to hers. She was talking about how amazing it was to be so in love, and for so long to this same man, whom she called, “the love of her life.” She then said that she kind of felt sorry for her husband because of the way that she treated him and that she had no idea why but would never dream of speaking to the love of her life in a such a way! I laughed softly for a second and said to her, “you don't talk to the love of your life that way because you know damn well that he would never stand for it, and that is what turns you on so much, and that is why the intense attraction doesn't seem to fade like all of the others but almost increases as the years go by.”
I kid you not, the realization that came across her face was like a lightening bolt and she was almost moved to tears by it. It was as if she finally solved some long lost mystery and could finally close the case!
I must admit that it was a learning moment for me too, for it was in that moment that I realized that D/s is in every person and in every day lessons, and until I started to think of it in those, more simplistic, terms I would not be able to experience D/s at the depths that I longed to.
Those who understand others are intelligent
Those who understand themselves are enlightened
-Tao Te Ching
If you are reading this than you may be wondering if Dominance and submission is right for you, or, you may be wondering why anyone in their right mind would actively CHOOSE to participate in such a digressive pursuit, but either way I must start out by telling you that if you are in a relationship right now then you are practicing some form of Dominance and submission right now! You see, the concept of D/s is based, not on uncommon and extreme sexual tendencies, but on primal human instinct, human nature, human sexuality and the human mind. So logically, if one is A) human and B) in a relationship, then nature dictates that there will be one who is more Dominant and another more subservient.
With that said, one real differences between those who consciously participate in D/s and those who do not is...consent. And while that is simply one thing which separates us, consent is one of the most important and fundamental rules of a D/s lifestyle and something that we will talk a lot about in the following pages.
For now though, a great example of someone who is unconsciously practicing D/s is an old friend of mine (I'll call her Tracy to keep her privacy) who was married, and had been for a long time, to a man that she totally controlled. She was also in a position of control in her career and was very well known to be, for lack of a better phrase, a bad ass bitch. Needless to say, she was NEVER happy with her husband, always complaining about how she has to do everything, etc. etc. and I can guarantee you, that poor man did not have one ounce of power over Tracy and never, ever could as far as anyone on the outside could see. So anyway, we were having lunch and she was sort of gossiping about her lover... an older gent with a position in the company which was Superior to hers. She was talking about how amazing it was to be so in love, and for so long to this same man, whom she called, “the love of her life.” She then said that she kind of felt sorry for her husband because of the way that she treated him and that she had no idea why but would never dream of speaking to the love of her life in a such a way! I laughed softly for a second and said to her, “you don't talk to the love of your life that way because you know damn well that he would never stand for it, and that is what turns you on so much, and that is why the intense attraction doesn't seem to fade like all of the others but almost increases as the years go by.”
I kid you not, the realization that came across her face was like a lightening bolt and she was almost moved to tears by it. It was as if she finally solved some long lost mystery and could finally close the case!
I must admit that it was a learning moment for me too, for it was in that moment that I realized that D/s is in every person and in every day lessons, and until I started to think of it in those, more simplistic, terms I would not be able to experience D/s at the depths that I longed to.
Possessed by D/s
When I was in submission 24/7, I would wake and sleep to thoughts of the One that I was with.
In the morning, I wouldn’t dream of sleeping in too late, being late for work, or skipping the crunches that he had prescribed in my physical-evolution program because doing those things wouldn’t be what was best for us.
I made sure to dress with Him in mind also…wearing things that I thought he might approve of and adding an accessory that would remind me of my service throughout the day.
Since he was in charge of my sexual pleasure… when, where, how and with whom I was able to release… I was almost constantly in a state of sexual frustration, which to me is a very creative and exciting state to be in. I actually enjoy a little "hunger", a little...desperation because of how well it lends itself to creating a state of, "vibrating at a higher frequency".
After work, he would either request my presence or tell me goodnight, in which case, I would do my own thing, until it was again time obey by going to bed no later than the curfew that he insisted upon.
When he asked me to come to him, we had a lovely, ritualistic, way of greeting that I used to deeply crave.
I would walk in to the house and remove my shoes, tiptoe up to the second-floor-rope room, see him, smile and then kneel, bow down, and rest my hands and forehead on his feet or legs.
He would lay his hand on my head and stroke my hair, touching my face at times. We were completely silent, but he made me feel like the most prized possession in the moment.
It was a nice feeling.
Primal me
I spent years cultivating a lifestyle that was based on my own, unique, belief systems and now, after only 12 short months, it feels like all that I had become and everything that I’d accomplished (within myself) has completely come undone.
I miss my D/s. I miss who I was and I especially miss the way that I felt.
I miss, “vibrating at a higher level.”
For me, D/s is not simply a relationship style, a hardcore-kink or some masochistic fantasy. It is not a way to grab attention or to feed my ego, nor is it a silly game of role-play that I engage in when I feel particularly “giving.”
For me…D/s seems to be a basic, primal need and in its absence I feel as though I am living only half a life, perhaps due to the fact that D/s is impossible to experience singularly.
Much of the time now, even though I am happy in so many areas, at the very core I feel dry and uninspired, low and mousy, boring and void, regular…vanilla…blah.
I feel like I’m just skimming the surface of everything that I do now, whereas before, when deeply immersed in the exploration of “self”, of relationships, of power and sex and passion, and sacrifice, not to mention experiencing so many of those miraculous states of being that D/s can bring us to… I felt like I was living on high, 24/7.
My life used to feel like human-potential realized, like total balance and most importantly, when in submission, I felt like I was being true to my basic, human instinct (or at least striving to be).
An Unconditional Surrender
Shortly after my son was born I realized that I had never experienced unconditional love. In fact, it wasn't until I was graced with the overwhelming, all-consuming emotion that a mother feels for her child, that I even knew such a thing existed.
So while I am fully certain that I can and DO love some people in my life unconditionally, I am not as certain that I truly comprehend the implications of an "unconditional" relationship.
I consulted Websters first, just to get a clear and precise picture of the word:
1. Not limited by conditions; absolute.
2. Not contingent; not determined or influenced by someone or something else
as in an unconditional surrender.
On the surface this seems totally straight forward. Simply live and let live, don't expect anything and fully enjoy each person in your life, at the time that you are with them.
Simple...but...not always easy.
It also implies that the relationship would be totally open, each person remaining autonomous yet, coming together at some point to share their lives in whatever way they determine.
Am I getting closer?
It means that you never have to become a "couple", acting and living as if two people are only one person.
Issues still come up and would have to addressed but those issues are separate from the unconditional part. Those issues would be issues no matter what.
So then, does it just come down to monogamy, marriage and/or tradition?
Does the part of the "unconditional" that I struggle with have anything to do with preconceived notions about love and relationships, or insecurity about non-monogamy, or feeling that "I" am not getting enough attention or time with my partner?
Hmmm... it seems I have understood the concept of an unconditional relationship the entire time.
Dealing with all of this other programming is the real issue.
Great...
-pia
A Slave's Entitlement
Monkey Mind by Debbie Tomassi
"All I want is to be used by him and thrown away, again and again and again and again and again." -kyuuri
I recently posted someones article about what a "slave" is "suppose" to be. You can read it here if you'd like: Who Do You Think You Are.
I didn't post it because I agreed or disagreed but rather, the article gave me reason to pause and something very important to ponder...Entitlement.
So far, my experiences in to D/s have led me through many stages and lessons, the issue of Entitlements being one of them.
It has taken me literally YEARS (and 12 million tears) to get to where I am today and yet today, I am no more than an infant in the world of Dominance & submission.
What I do know is that it's a BIG world, one of many sensations and experiences,that seem to be unique to each and every individual.
Which is why I find the article, a bit, one-dimensional. I write this post out of true curiosity and in an effort to understand, not for the sake of argument or out of petulance. (Really!)
Here is an excerpt that is most relevant:
There is nothing at all that a slave can claim 'entitlement' to; however, in an effort to demonstrate this, here is an extraordinarily brief list of things a slave is specifically not 'entitled' to:
* Respect
* Honesty
* Loyalty
* Affection
* Compassion
* Understanding
* Appreciation
* Courtesy
* Recognition
* Flattery
* Approval
* Consistency
* Fair Treatment
* Gratitude
* Praise
* Honor
* Pleasure
* Candor
* Explanations
* Kudos
* Fidelity
If you demand, expect, or require any of the above, then, by the definitions and parameters of this web site, you cannot be a slave. (From RLSlavery)
While pondering this person's opinions and comparing them to my own, I started to become puzzled by it's message.
I have heard many people, when referring to a slave, put the slave in to a particular category or "type". For instance:
Sex Slaves
Domestic Slaves
Money Slaves
Pain Slaves
Lactating Slaves
Sensual Slaves
Animal or "pet" Slaves
Pleasure Slaves
Beaver Cleaver Slaves
Stepford Wife Slaves
and the list goes on and on.
My point is, if a slave is said to be used for a specific reason... say, a money slave, then why couldn't they also be used for having a specific nature?
Perhaps some Dominants prefer a slave who longs for or "needs" some of the entitlements listed above?
Why is it perfectly acceptable to say that one can NEED to be a Money Slave, but they can not "need" something that doesn't require sacrifice?
By the article's standards, a slave can "need" to provide a service that fulfills the slave and makes them "whole", yet, they can not need any sort of "emotional" nourishment, to feel their slavery?
If this is true, then a slave, in other words, should need nothing other than the privilege to be of service to a Dominant.
Is that all it comes down to?
Really?
-kyuuri
Afterthought 1: If that is true...then it would be impossible, for all intensive purposes, for ANY (non-psychotic)human being to "truly" be a slave. If to be a slave means having no emotional needs in a relationship(a relationship of any kind)other than those of serving, then, I am fairly positive, there could be no such thing...in reality anyway.
Afterthought #2: Okay, so a slave could be someone who simply does desire to JUST be considered property - 100% of the time. But 24/7??? I personally just can't fathom that. In fact, I would be concerned about a person so devoid of any natural human tendencies. Then again...just because I have not seen it does mean that it does not exist. If it does in your life...please...I want to hear about it!
"All I want is to be used by him and thrown away, again and again and again and again and again." -kyuuri
I recently posted someones article about what a "slave" is "suppose" to be. You can read it here if you'd like: Who Do You Think You Are.
I didn't post it because I agreed or disagreed but rather, the article gave me reason to pause and something very important to ponder...Entitlement.
So far, my experiences in to D/s have led me through many stages and lessons, the issue of Entitlements being one of them.
It has taken me literally YEARS (and 12 million tears) to get to where I am today and yet today, I am no more than an infant in the world of Dominance & submission.
What I do know is that it's a BIG world, one of many sensations and experiences,that seem to be unique to each and every individual.
Which is why I find the article, a bit, one-dimensional. I write this post out of true curiosity and in an effort to understand, not for the sake of argument or out of petulance. (Really!)
Here is an excerpt that is most relevant:
There is nothing at all that a slave can claim 'entitlement' to; however, in an effort to demonstrate this, here is an extraordinarily brief list of things a slave is specifically not 'entitled' to:
* Respect
* Honesty
* Loyalty
* Affection
* Compassion
* Understanding
* Appreciation
* Courtesy
* Recognition
* Flattery
* Approval
* Consistency
* Fair Treatment
* Gratitude
* Praise
* Honor
* Pleasure
* Candor
* Explanations
* Kudos
* Fidelity
If you demand, expect, or require any of the above, then, by the definitions and parameters of this web site, you cannot be a slave. (From RLSlavery)
While pondering this person's opinions and comparing them to my own, I started to become puzzled by it's message.
I have heard many people, when referring to a slave, put the slave in to a particular category or "type". For instance:
Sex Slaves
Domestic Slaves
Money Slaves
Pain Slaves
Lactating Slaves
Sensual Slaves
Animal or "pet" Slaves
Pleasure Slaves
Beaver Cleaver Slaves
Stepford Wife Slaves
and the list goes on and on.
My point is, if a slave is said to be used for a specific reason... say, a money slave, then why couldn't they also be used for having a specific nature?
Perhaps some Dominants prefer a slave who longs for or "needs" some of the entitlements listed above?
Why is it perfectly acceptable to say that one can NEED to be a Money Slave, but they can not "need" something that doesn't require sacrifice?
By the article's standards, a slave can "need" to provide a service that fulfills the slave and makes them "whole", yet, they can not need any sort of "emotional" nourishment, to feel their slavery?
If this is true, then a slave, in other words, should need nothing other than the privilege to be of service to a Dominant.
Is that all it comes down to?
Really?
-kyuuri
Afterthought 1: If that is true...then it would be impossible, for all intensive purposes, for ANY (non-psychotic)human being to "truly" be a slave. If to be a slave means having no emotional needs in a relationship(a relationship of any kind)other than those of serving, then, I am fairly positive, there could be no such thing...in reality anyway.
Afterthought #2: Okay, so a slave could be someone who simply does desire to JUST be considered property - 100% of the time. But 24/7??? I personally just can't fathom that. In fact, I would be concerned about a person so devoid of any natural human tendencies. Then again...just because I have not seen it does mean that it does not exist. If it does in your life...please...I want to hear about it!
The Way of the Needle Part 3
Art by: Wes Giesbrecht
Exploding
How can my mind erase
what you did to me tonight?
The needle,
in itself, alarming
was nothing
compared to the emotional release.
What did you do?
I mean,
how did you know,
just where to put it,
to cause that reaction in me?
Your needle drained everything
that I didn't know I had.
Swirling,
still,
after all this time...
Your needles they changed me,
they saved me tonight,
God.........
they cleansed me,
in ways I could not speak about.
And Your hands,
Your compassion,
Your light...
I am moved
I am weightless
I feel Extraordinary
Thank you.
Love
-kyuuri
More about The Way of the Needle: Prolific Pain & Release
Exploding
How can my mind erase
what you did to me tonight?
The needle,
in itself, alarming
was nothing
compared to the emotional release.
What did you do?
I mean,
how did you know,
just where to put it,
to cause that reaction in me?
Your needle drained everything
that I didn't know I had.
Swirling,
still,
after all this time...
Your needles they changed me,
they saved me tonight,
God.........
they cleansed me,
in ways I could not speak about.
And Your hands,
Your compassion,
Your light...
I am moved
I am weightless
I feel Extraordinary
Thank you.
Love
-kyuuri
More about The Way of the Needle: Prolific Pain & Release
The Beauty of D/s Defined
Photo by the mysterious Steven CookMeet Erika Ginnis of Seattle...I found this a good read, and then some, about the profound and spiritual dynamic that can be found in D/s. It's long, but I thought very worth it!
Background
I've been an energy worker and spiritual teacher for more than 20 years, and been kinky for that long or longer, so I've had to make peace between these different aspects of myself. In the process, I've tried to explore and understand them as well as I can in the context of my own life.
To a large degree, this has had to be an oddly private quest — our culture has such a strong concept of separation between sexuality and spirituality that many people can't see that they're related at all. Kink is an especially forbidden aspect of sexual experience that is generally even more segregated and misunderstood.
I've had to accept that for now at least there are people in my world(s) who can't consider kink and spirituality as compatible, regardless of what I personally may have experienced. Information I might have to share in this area is of no help to someone who doesn't want to hear about sexuality at all, much less alternative sexuality. So I share with people who know me well, who are interested, or who come to me explicitly seeking information.
I've used my spiritual training to enhance my experience of kink and sexuality. Clearing energy, getting in contact with my own desires and preferences, and healing past hurts that have come from being alive and loving have all helped me see sex and it's expression as Divinely inspired and enacted.
When I came out as "kinky" and gave myself permission to explore that side of myself, my experiences with leather, fetish and kink opened up avenues to the Divine in ways I wouldn't have expected. One of the first was in the arena of "intense sensation" otherwise known as pain. This one, oddly enough, was more traditional, although still not accepted in many circles. Mainstream mystics across the centuries have used pain in ecstatic experience, and have used intense sensation to build altered states of consciousness.
There are many articles and books available on this subject, so I won't go into much detail about it here, other than to mention one recurring theme that was unavoidable when I was first exploring sensation play. What it looks like, and what it actually feels like, are so entirely different (almost opposite in fact) that I had to stop judging it in order to try it. My normal ways of perceiving were entirely obsolete in this area.
One comparable thing does come to mind although it is from an entirely different discipline. Ballet, if it is done well, looks beautiful and graceful and almost effortless. Yet if you have ever put on a pair of toe shoes (the ballet shoes dancers use to go on pointe) you know that what it looks like and what it feels like (before the endorphins kick in, that is) can be quite a bit different.
The reverse is then true when watching someone who has consented to be flogged. They writhe and groan as the leather whip is applied to their back, and watching them climb the rack you might think, "Oh my goodness that poor misguided soul, how horrible!" Later, though, you see the same person smiling and happily recounting the tale, and you realize that the external appearance just does not match the internal experience! I found this out in the deepest way when I became that person on the receiving end, and realized what fun I was having in spite of how badly it must look to an observer. Aside from whatever else the physical sensation aspect of kink has given me, it has made visceral for me the phrase "appearances can be deceiving," and that has proven eminently valuable in many areas of my life.
Dominance & Submission
It has to do with something referred to as "power exchange" or D&S. More specifically, I'd like to discuss how Dominance (being enacted by the person who is theoretically in charge) and Submission (being enacted by the person who has theoretically given up their power into the other persons keeping) can be sacred acts in oddly obvious ways.
Submission as a Sacred Act of Service
Service to the Divine/God/Goddess or Universal energy, is nothing new. Religions and spiritual groups have been based on it for centuries. Many people feel drawn to service very deeply. To view service as a sacred act is relatively easy — difficulty arises only when the context is sex or BDSM. Again, our culture has such strong taboos about sex that anything related to it becomes suspect.
My personal experience, and the experience of people I know and people I've talked with, is that the connection to Divinity through service is as strong within D&S as it is anywhere else. When you find yourself choosing to enter into a place of submission to another person, there is often a Universality to it than can be a little surprising.
I remember some of my early experiences of service in this form. I was not and had not normally been a very service-oriented person. I was not a big fan of either rules or authority. The idea of willingly giving up anything to another person was extremely difficult for me. I did it initially because it was so counter to my nature, and yet also unexpectedly appealing. It felt exciting and hot because it was a risk. I was going to be in someone else's "power."
What I discovered that I didn't expect was the extent to which submission is an internal experience. The real drama was in my own head. I had to struggle with my self, my mind, my beliefs, my self-concept. My head kept chattering away, it fought hard for dominance. Since this was a sexual experience for me, I had some motivation to quiet things down so I could have fun! I found that the same committee that held meetings in my brain and kept me from climaxing in the past was the same one holding court as I attempted to set aside doing things "my way" and be in service to someone else, even in this "play" environment. I remember thinking, "Damn! No one told me this would be a kind of meditation, how did this get so spiritual all of a sudden?"
That's not to say the other person had no effect on the experience — the other person always does. In fact I've found it essential that the person I am working with is someone who can truly take my power into their keeping in a conscious way, and have enough strength and skill to hold and play with it. Plus for me there has to be at least some feeling of affection, and love is even better, which is why I normally only go there in some kind of relationship. But it doesn't matter how good the Top/Dom is, if I can't find that place inside myself.
Once I finally could find that place of surrender within me, to just give it the fuck up and let down my guard, it got way better and more fun. Then something else happened. From that place of stillness I woke up within my self and realized that this all reminded me of worship somehow, and that I could see the Divine expressing as the person I had chosen to serve and that, on some level, this was also about me and my concept of God/dess.
Submission was connected to a place deep within me that was very hidden and protected — it had to do with trust or the lack of it. It had to do with letting go of control for one moment. In giving up that constant responsibility and iron-fisted control, there opened up a way to get back in touch with the trust that says we can rely on the Universe and on another person. I was able to re-enter a childlike state of grace (be like a little child), which may sound sacrilegious to some but which is actually a deeply important ground of our spirituality — that pre-verbal place of being cared for that we so want/need and often never get.
Even though I would never have expected it beforehand, given my preconceived notions of submission in this context, I found an incredible freedom in letting go. In many ways you are allowing yourself to be the center of the universe, getting all that focus of attention from the person who is in the role of Dominant.
Paradox abounds. I found that in submission/service there is actually great power, a wellspring of strength that can be tapped by giving up the struggle and letting oneself be of service. The person who is being submissive is actually empowered — it's as if by surrendering, the whole is then given to you. If that isn't spiritual in nature, I don't know what is! Plus orgasms get way better too...
I have expanded the service aspects of my life a great deal over the years, in part because of what I learned from my kinky experiences of it. These days, one of my ongoing prayers/inner meditations at any moment is to ask, "Help me to be of service". I have found huge value in it, and it has opened me to aspects of receptivity for all manner of good things that were blocked for years.
Power
I've often been asked, "Who really has the power in a scene?"
It's an interesting question. There are some that say that the submissive is the one holding the power. As a submissive you are giving over your power for that period of time but in that act of giving you put yourself in a very receptive place, and can draw from it immense strength.
As the dominant, though, you're the one driving and controlling the other person's experience to some extent. You're calling the shots. If it's your hand holding someone down, then you do have the power, right? Okay, but what if that other person really, really wants you to hold them down? Are you just serving them by doing it?
The point I'm trying to make is that the direction of service is often a matter of opinion, and it depends on what angle you look at it from. I remember hearing someone say once, "It's called power exchange, not power give-away." Exchange gives both people power.
Dominance is Responsibility
To be dominant is to be willing to take on responsibility for running things, for being a steward of someone else's experience and reality. Acting as the Dominant or Top in the situation does bring a different perspective on the whole adventure.
Before I had any real experience, I only had my fantasies to go on, where I was effortlessly in total control and everything always went flawlessly. I didn't understand until I had first-hand experience that it's also work and takes a lot of focused attention! If you're doing a sensation scene, it can even be quite physically demanding (especially if you're wearing fetish shoes), and it's always emotionally demanding, because you're the one directing the scene, sensation, and experience.
With control and power comes enormous responsibility. As the Top, you're the person who can and must respond to the situation. The responsibility of control also places a Divine mantle on your shoulders, and oddly enough, it is also the mantle of service. It may not always be clear from the outside, but the person acting upon the Bottom/submissive is giving a great deal. Providing that attention, time and focus is an act of service, and the blurs lines between giving and taking.
Another aspect of being in control, which touches clearly on connection with the Divine, has to do with cherishing the person you are with. Being present to the risks they are willing to take for you, how open they are willing to make themselves and how much they offer in sacrifice is an act of seeing the God/dess in the other person. This accords with the Latin roots of the word sacrifice itself, which literally meant to make or offer something sacred. As your Bottom offers up their body and emotions to you, it can definitely feel as if they're enacting a sacred rite.
To be served also has it's own challenges when you are really present to what's happening. On some level you must accept your own sacred nature to know that you are worthy to receive a gift of such magnitude. This is a lovely thing, but requires internal work. I know when I agree to let someone give themself to me at a deep level, I have to be mentally prepared and willing to be present to accept it or I risk missing the richness of the experience or trivializing it.
Of course, all this "work" happens in a context that's really hot and sexy. There's a vibration and connection of sexual energy in such play that's breath-taking and that actually alters consciousness. I've had the experience of feeling as if I'm weaving the energy coming up from a person as if it were silken cords. I love providing a container for the bottom, keeping the environment from infringing on what we're doing and holding the space for the experience I'm trying to create for them.
The Primal Rush of Dancing with your "Demons"
As a Top, you often feel a "rush" as someone gifts you with their power. At the same time, you come face to face with your own inner demons and desires, in a situation where you have permission to do as you will. Being present in that situation, being able to follow the currents of the other person's emotions and experience, to sense what they fear and want, while also staying true to your own intention — not only can you build trust with the person you're in charge of, you can also learn to trust yourself. It's very intense.
Playing in this way can connect us with a variety of archetypical forces within in us, some rather primal. There's an animal aspect of myself that I often come in contact with when I Top.
In a state of suspension between very different aspects of myself, I can balance between them, feeling things yet also being an observer, playing with the emotions right up to the edge of acting on them and back again. I have had more than one experience of being poised above someone with my mouth close to their ear, breathing hot breath onto them and inhaling their scent. I am side by side with the part that wants to sink my teeth deep into the neck of my "victim". I can imagine my teeth being sharp and pointed, making their way through their soft skin. And they sense my desire!
Rather than run from this thing that we might want to call a "shadow" I can be right with it and let those feelings run through me and create an intense energetic charge which we both (my partner and I) can feel. It is amazingly arousing. I sink into the permission to want this thing on some level, feel that intoxicating blood lust, and use it as part of the scene, part of the sex. I may even, and often have, talked about it as it happens, even growl near the spot I would take, to give them chills.
This exists simultaneously with all the other aspects of me as a Top, many of which want to heal and protect. It is a complex mix, and one that I believe exists in all of us below the surface, more than we are generally aware. Being able to contact it consciously in a scene is powerful and invigorating.
It's also strangely calming, perhaps in part because I am being with myself in a more complete way at that moment. I'm not spending any energy at all trying to cover up my more animal aspects, nor am I fighting with them or judging them. This is just who I am. In all reality it would be such a mess to take that big bite that I don't actually have to worry about doing it. But by acknowledging the base-line desire, I give off waves of passion that my partner can feel, and they are completely real.
This type of scene brings about a shifting of power both externally and internally. My partner has gifted me with their body and their submission and so there is an exchange of power in that way. When the energy is high enough I have even felt that moment when my bottom would have willingly given me their neck in the extreme. Then there is also a shifting of power and energy internal to me — in some way I am topping myself, being ultimately in control at that internal level so that I don't go past my limits or theirs even if at that moment we both want to.
Looking at this same kind of experience from the other side is equally intense. I have been the bottom/submissive at times when I can feel my Top/Dom's animal nature, or deep shadow-self invoked. I have felt the waves of energy and fought to keep myself above the water level enough to keep breathing, as my own desire threatened to overwhelm me.
Again I come back to something about God in all this. I have on a few occasions found myself in a place of such surrender that in that moment I made peace if it were to take place that my life were to end. I was a willing sacrifice myself to the ecstasy. This sounds kind of extreme when I write it down, and I don't want to give the wrong impression — it wasn't a death wish at all. I intend to live a long and healthy life! It was more of a place of being in deep communion with the God/Goddess of my understanding and being willing to come if she called. I knew that ultimately this person was an expression of her, and if this went to the place of death then let her will be done.
I've never jumped out of a plane or rock climbed or done many of the things that people do to confront their mortality, so I don't know if what I felt is similar. I just know that inside my passion and my fear and my desire at such a moment, there's a calm place of acceptance, and the knowledge that it is truly only between me and God in any given moment of my life.
Scenes of this sort were always only with a partner I was in relationship with, and so perhaps I was only fooling myself, but there is something very real that happens at the end of a very sharp knife, and no matter what you think you know about the other person, there is some part of you that has to surrender to the fact that if you're wrong, or something unknowable happens in that moment, then there you are. This surrender is a very freeing place.
Different sides of the same coin
From either perspective, top or bottom, play continues to have aspects of giving and receiving: sensation, power, will, pain, pleasure, orgasm. It can be seen as two sides of the same coin.
The Top gives time and attention; the creativity that goes into constructing an experience and a journey and a space where the bottom can let down their guard; and the energy, focus, and direction required to undertake all that responsibility; and gives love.
The Top receives time and attention; energy from the bottom; favors and tasks completed; sexual thrill; satisfaction from creation and from being in charge; a sense of strength from holding the mental and spiritual space; and receives love.
The Bottom gives time and attention; experience of being of service to the top; gives up power into safekeeping; gives up control; gives their body and sensations; gives of self and does the tasks set out by the dominant; and gives love.
The Bottom receives time and attention; energy from the top; freedom from responsibility; sexual thrill; satisfaction from serving and pleasing; a sense of own strength from accomplishing and enduring; and receives love.
There are those that say that any path can be a path to enlightenment. If that's true, one can find nirvana doing the dishes... well, perhaps that's not so far from the truth. Sexuality and kink are gateways to internal and external experience that can be enlightening and transcendent. It's an odd synthesis of work and play that can provide spiritual insights while being hot, sexy and fun, all at the same time. Hmmm, wonder why I like it? Guess I will have to keep gathering data a while longer to find out.
Copyright (c) 2004 by Erika Ginnis
This story may be copied freely and re-used provided that its authorship is clearly attributed to Erika Ginnis.
The Ignorant Submissive
Painting: Nightlife of Plants
Fear Part 1
The Ignorant Submissive
I have always felt that adulthood occurs at the exact moment when one realizes that he or she is NOT, in fact, invincible.
Do you remember that moment? I do...
So, as it turns out, age has little to with anything, for it is only knowledge of the “truth” that has any real bearing on who and/or what a person is and/or thinks.
Once I realized that death (IE: loss) was inevitable...the fear of living began.
With regard to submission, I am faced with self-imposed obstacles that preclude me from truly, deeply and profoundly entering in to a state of “surrender.” Because of these issues I have had to ask myself some very difficult questions. But through all of the soul searching and question/answer sessions, there turns out to be only one real question and only one real answer:
The One Real Question: What are you afraid of?
The One Real Answer: I am afraid of the Truth.
I fear the truth!
The “truth” for me is that every “thing” is temporary.
I, we, us, it, all...temporary.
But even with this firm belief, with this knowledge, I STILL ignorantly try to avoid loss. Why?
Why try to avoid this when I am totally aware that it is precisely in one’s avoidance of loss, that the loss is eventually found! Not only found, but CREATED.
My Sensei told me a long time ago that when a situation is bothersome to a person, instead of reacting (as most do) by moving away from the thing, one must actually get closer to it. He said that when one move’s away from it (meaning: totally avoids it), one only succeeds in drawing it closer.
In other words, if I try to avoid an outcome, I only bring the outcome about.
How true!
So what is this ignorance that I am swimming in? What does it all mean?
I read about a human condition referred to in Buddhism as, Self Grasping Ignorance or Ego.
Self: “I”
Grasping: Hold on to
Ignorance: Completely unaware
Self-Grasping Ignorance: There are two types of self-grasping: self-grasping of persons and self-grasping of phenomena. The first grasps our own or others’ self, or I, as truly existent, and the second grasps any phenomenon other than our own or others’ self as truly existent. Minds that grasp our body, our mind, our possessions, and our world as truly existent are all examples of self-grasping of phenomena. (Excerpted from Kadampa.org
In other words... “I” do not exist. (I knew it!)
To be continued.
-kyuuri
Fear Part 1
The Ignorant Submissive
I have always felt that adulthood occurs at the exact moment when one realizes that he or she is NOT, in fact, invincible.
Do you remember that moment? I do...
So, as it turns out, age has little to with anything, for it is only knowledge of the “truth” that has any real bearing on who and/or what a person is and/or thinks.
Once I realized that death (IE: loss) was inevitable...the fear of living began.
With regard to submission, I am faced with self-imposed obstacles that preclude me from truly, deeply and profoundly entering in to a state of “surrender.” Because of these issues I have had to ask myself some very difficult questions. But through all of the soul searching and question/answer sessions, there turns out to be only one real question and only one real answer:
The One Real Question: What are you afraid of?
The One Real Answer: I am afraid of the Truth.
I fear the truth!
The “truth” for me is that every “thing” is temporary.
I, we, us, it, all...temporary.
But even with this firm belief, with this knowledge, I STILL ignorantly try to avoid loss. Why?
Why try to avoid this when I am totally aware that it is precisely in one’s avoidance of loss, that the loss is eventually found! Not only found, but CREATED.
My Sensei told me a long time ago that when a situation is bothersome to a person, instead of reacting (as most do) by moving away from the thing, one must actually get closer to it. He said that when one move’s away from it (meaning: totally avoids it), one only succeeds in drawing it closer.
In other words, if I try to avoid an outcome, I only bring the outcome about.
How true!
So what is this ignorance that I am swimming in? What does it all mean?
I read about a human condition referred to in Buddhism as, Self Grasping Ignorance or Ego.
Self: “I”
Grasping: Hold on to
Ignorance: Completely unaware
Self-Grasping Ignorance: There are two types of self-grasping: self-grasping of persons and self-grasping of phenomena. The first grasps our own or others’ self, or I, as truly existent, and the second grasps any phenomenon other than our own or others’ self as truly existent. Minds that grasp our body, our mind, our possessions, and our world as truly existent are all examples of self-grasping of phenomena. (Excerpted from Kadampa.org
In other words... “I” do not exist. (I knew it!)
To be continued.
-kyuuri
Using Ritual in Submission
When I set out to gain experience, as a new submissive, I was overwhlemed by the physical reaction that I had to gaining knowledge of the lifestyle. Very quickly I entered in to a state of virtually constant arousal, of heightened senses. My flesh registered a reaction to every fabric, my eyes seemed to view colors and shapes in a totally new way and even the words and phrases that I had used for years started to take on new meaning.
This arousal phase was followed by the experience of "connecting" with someone in such a deeply intellectual way that it became like a spiritual awakening. Over a period of months and on a daily basis, I communicated with him, being guided each moment of the way. A connection as profound as that, in my own experience, can bring one to a state that I now refer to as, "vibrating at a higher level." Back then, I called it, "feeling hypnotized."
But whatever the name of this state of being, the accomplishment of it and ability to sustain it, almost 24/7, has become the core basis of my personal D/s, M/s existence:
"It's the way it makes Us feel."
Please note that I am referring to both an Owner/Master and submissive/slave being elevated like this...within the relationship.
It is in this state that I feel like I am living to my fullest potential, as a woman, mother, friend, lover, employee, slave. It is in this state that I can truly serve, with my whole heart and soul and it is also in this state that I feel that I can tap in to my full creative, beauty and sexual potential.
It's the "glow", the "look" and the "peace".
So what are the elements for vibrating at this level and maintaining this state of mind as much of the time as possible?
Keeping in mind that we are all different, I have outlined some of the techniques that I have either tried or would like to try.
For me, it's all about Focus...and one way to remain focused is to include habits, disciplines and/or ritual in my day to day life.
Please take a look at the list and let me know your thoughts and/or ideas.
A) Arousal/ Sexual Frustration or the feeling of never quite being satisfied. (I am sure that most of you have experience with this one!) Some great ways to accomplish this include reading and/or writing erotica, net surfing BDSM sites with stories and essays that excite you. Bringing yourself to the edge throughout the day..and whatever other creative things that your wonderful Owner no doubt think up!
B) Meditation. This is a new one for me over the last few months and has become a ritual. In your chosen space... kneel naked, and spend at least 20 mins in the calm places of your mind. Focus only on your breath (which will be hard at first). Don't judge yourself and stay positive - it gets easier over time to concentrate (on nothing).
C) Journal.
D) Tasks given to you by your Owner, especially daily, repetitive one's.
E) Using specific words or phrases given to you by your Owner.
F) Dressing, jewelry or other special item or reminder, such as writing somewhere on your body or a flower in your hair.
Whether great or small, daily rituals/routines are a great way to keep the focus on the relationship. A ritual can include bathing or grooming, conversation, serving in any way, any form of sex or play, cooking/eating and on and on and on.
I really look forward to hearing your own experiences on submissive ritual.
-kyuuri
Internal Enslavement
Art by: Jerry Uelsmann
I am nothing, if not Yours
I have followed the world's rules,
and I find them tedious.
To "be" anything has no meaning,
if not being what You wish.
My mind is not awake
and it won't sleep
unless You are guiding it.
I'm internally enslaved
and nothing,
nothing that I thought was,
could be any longer.
"I" am gone.
-kyuuri
I am nothing, if not Yours
I have followed the world's rules,
and I find them tedious.
To "be" anything has no meaning,
if not being what You wish.
My mind is not awake
and it won't sleep
unless You are guiding it.
I'm internally enslaved
and nothing,
nothing that I thought was,
could be any longer.
"I" am gone.
-kyuuri
A True Slave
Painting: Servando Cabrera Moreno:Héroes Bajo el sol
Sonnet LVII
Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?
I have no precious time at all to spend,
Nor services to do, till you require.
Nor dare I chide the world-without-end hour
Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,
Nor think the bitterness of absence sour
When you have bid your servant once adieu;
Nor dare I question with my jealous thought
Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,
But, like a sad slave, stay and think of nought
Save, where you are how happy you make those.
So true a fool is love that in your will,
Though you do any thing, she thinks no ill.
William Shakespeare
Sonnet LVII
Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?
I have no precious time at all to spend,
Nor services to do, till you require.
Nor dare I chide the world-without-end hour
Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,
Nor think the bitterness of absence sour
When you have bid your servant once adieu;
Nor dare I question with my jealous thought
Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,
But, like a sad slave, stay and think of nought
Save, where you are how happy you make those.
So true a fool is love that in your will,
Though you do any thing, she thinks no ill.
William Shakespeare
Choosing a Slave's Life...Are You Insane?
Image by the dark artist: Carlos Batts
Every so often I get this feeling of confusion. Out of the blue, and all of a sudden, it's like I become disconnected with the life I am leading, with my body, with my very essence.
It distinctly reminds me of those Talking Head lyrics, "This is not my beautiful house! This is not my beautiful wife! How did I get here?"
The confused feeling is exactly like when you suddenly forget how to spell a simple word, one that you use and see everyday, when a word like "and" or "what" looks somehow wrong or different, and you end up looking it up in the dictionary, to get validation of the letters that you doubtingly put down on paper. Validation. Proof. Reassurance...
It is in these moments that I wonder...
What the hell am I doing and why the hell am I doing it?
Am I doing the right thing?
Am I insane?
Thankfully, these moments are rare and fleeting, but when they happen I can't help but ponder on my chosen lifestyle. I often find myself asking questions like:
What is it about D/s that I am drawn to?
Shouldn't I just try to be "normal?"
Why on earth do I aspire to the life of a slave?
Yes, why do I choose this life?
I am constantly amazed by the high levels of intelligence and extreme creativity that I find in most everyone that I meet who is involved in "the lifestyle", which leads me to believe that we cannot ALL be insane. Right? (Well, not certifiably anyway)
Once I am solidly certain that I am not insane, I begin the analyzation. Personally, I like to use a method of deduction when I feel overwhelmed:
Insane? No. (See above for proof)
Desperate for attention? Hell no.
Just plain kinky? Nope.
Bored? I don't think so.
Looking for acceptance? Hmm, I may be on to something.
Embracing it's ideals? Yes...
Choosing to live by my own rules and beliefs, not by tradition and tired old American values? Yes, yes!
Wanting to create a life that is more intense, erotic, sensual & full then I have ever experienced? Absolutely.
Using D/s as a tool for self discovery, personal growth, spiritual awakening and overall enlightenment? Bingo!!!
My D/s
It only takes a few minutes of evaluation to realize that for me, D/s is so much more than just a way in which to have relationships, or relations.
To me, D/s is a teacher, a religion, if you will. Through it's lessons, I am able to give and receive, as I have never done before. I can feel! (Thank you Sensei!)
Through it's challenges, I am able to learn about myself, to open doors that I closed and locked, many years ago. I am opening!
D/s is about structure, discipline and strength of character...qualities that have been sorely lacking in my past. I am learning to control my impulses.
This lifestyle choice, is one in which Truth is paramount. Trust..honesty...truth. I am no longer held captive by fear.
In my life, the beauty and sensuality that can be seen, felt and created, every single day, by each and every one of us, is the key to many things.
D/s can be the guide that leads to ultimate intimacy, creativity and spark of life.
D/s is a way in which we can make magic, harness our inner power and, if used to it's fullest capacity, I believe that we can become so much more (or less, as the case may be) than we ever could without it.
That, is why I choose this life.
-kyuuri
Every so often I get this feeling of confusion. Out of the blue, and all of a sudden, it's like I become disconnected with the life I am leading, with my body, with my very essence.
It distinctly reminds me of those Talking Head lyrics, "This is not my beautiful house! This is not my beautiful wife! How did I get here?"
The confused feeling is exactly like when you suddenly forget how to spell a simple word, one that you use and see everyday, when a word like "and" or "what" looks somehow wrong or different, and you end up looking it up in the dictionary, to get validation of the letters that you doubtingly put down on paper. Validation. Proof. Reassurance...
It is in these moments that I wonder...
What the hell am I doing and why the hell am I doing it?
Am I doing the right thing?
Am I insane?
Thankfully, these moments are rare and fleeting, but when they happen I can't help but ponder on my chosen lifestyle. I often find myself asking questions like:
What is it about D/s that I am drawn to?
Shouldn't I just try to be "normal?"
Why on earth do I aspire to the life of a slave?
Yes, why do I choose this life?
I am constantly amazed by the high levels of intelligence and extreme creativity that I find in most everyone that I meet who is involved in "the lifestyle", which leads me to believe that we cannot ALL be insane. Right? (Well, not certifiably anyway)
Once I am solidly certain that I am not insane, I begin the analyzation. Personally, I like to use a method of deduction when I feel overwhelmed:
Insane? No. (See above for proof)
Desperate for attention? Hell no.
Just plain kinky? Nope.
Bored? I don't think so.
Looking for acceptance? Hmm, I may be on to something.
Embracing it's ideals? Yes...
Choosing to live by my own rules and beliefs, not by tradition and tired old American values? Yes, yes!
Wanting to create a life that is more intense, erotic, sensual & full then I have ever experienced? Absolutely.
Using D/s as a tool for self discovery, personal growth, spiritual awakening and overall enlightenment? Bingo!!!
My D/s
It only takes a few minutes of evaluation to realize that for me, D/s is so much more than just a way in which to have relationships, or relations.
To me, D/s is a teacher, a religion, if you will. Through it's lessons, I am able to give and receive, as I have never done before. I can feel! (Thank you Sensei!)
Through it's challenges, I am able to learn about myself, to open doors that I closed and locked, many years ago. I am opening!
D/s is about structure, discipline and strength of character...qualities that have been sorely lacking in my past. I am learning to control my impulses.
This lifestyle choice, is one in which Truth is paramount. Trust..honesty...truth. I am no longer held captive by fear.
In my life, the beauty and sensuality that can be seen, felt and created, every single day, by each and every one of us, is the key to many things.
D/s can be the guide that leads to ultimate intimacy, creativity and spark of life.
D/s is a way in which we can make magic, harness our inner power and, if used to it's fullest capacity, I believe that we can become so much more (or less, as the case may be) than we ever could without it.
That, is why I choose this life.
-kyuuri
Practice Not-Doing
Painting: Hallawell
If you overesteem great men,
people become powerless.
If you overvalue possessions,
people begin to steal.
The Master leads
by emptying people's minds
and filling their cores,
by weakening their ambition
and toughening their resolve.
He helps people lose everything
they know, everything they desire,
and creates confusion
in those who think that they know.
Practice not-doing,
and everything will fall into place.
-#3 - Tao Te Ching
If you overesteem great men,
people become powerless.
If you overvalue possessions,
people begin to steal.
The Master leads
by emptying people's minds
and filling their cores,
by weakening their ambition
and toughening their resolve.
He helps people lose everything
they know, everything they desire,
and creates confusion
in those who think that they know.
Practice not-doing,
and everything will fall into place.
-#3 - Tao Te Ching
Submissive Hiding
Art: Breaking Bonds by Castaneda Zevallos
I love this painting. It speaks volumes to me. In honor of the emotion it stirred in my imagination, I wrote this in the painting's voice...as I hear it.
Pain, Hunger, Shame
If I open my eyes
what will I see?
If I succumb to the need
What does that make me?
I am a man!
not allowed to indulge the luxury
of perversion.
yet still,
I am a man
Trapped.
-kyuuri
I love this painting. It speaks volumes to me. In honor of the emotion it stirred in my imagination, I wrote this in the painting's voice...as I hear it.
Pain, Hunger, Shame
If I open my eyes
what will I see?
If I succumb to the need
What does that make me?
I am a man!
not allowed to indulge the luxury
of perversion.
yet still,
I am a man
Trapped.
-kyuuri
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