Photo by Lilo Amarilo “BUT I WANT AN OOMPA LOOMPA NOW!!!”
Humans, by nature, are selfish. We are self centered, egocentric and hyper sensitive to the things that affect us personally. Wanting to have our own needs met, being territorial and feeling the fear of loss is also a part of being human, but just because something is a part of us, does not mean that we will automatically give in to each and every “thing” that we happen to think we need. When one agrees to serve, as a submissive, we are no longer living by the same standards that we were before. In submission, there is absolutely no room for the inner brat.
My Sensei said something to me recently that really resonated, "It is not the "thing" that is a problem, but the reasons behind wanting it."
At first I wanted to add the word "usually" to his statement, but in reality, what he said is true and it is true ALL of the time, not just usually.
There is really no such thing as "good” or “bad"...junk-food, cigarettes, drugs, guns, war, peace, love, sex, fun etc. For any of these things, if left to themselves, can cause no pleasure or harm.
It is the humans behind the "things" that create an outcome. So, rather than looking at an inanimate object or specific situation as the root of a problem or issue, one should instead explore the intention, motivation and REACTION that is the driving force of any given circumstance.
I have been known to secretly covet what others have. Dates, lovers, someone to “be there”, to kiss, cuddle, fuck, talk, touch, argue...with exactly whom I wanted and in the exact time frame that I desired it.
I have been known to feel left out, lonely, insatiable, wound up and frustrated.
I have craved and desired “things”. I have loved, admired, felt and fantasized about...things.
Things that I felt I should have, that I felt I had the right to have, preoccupied my mind and restricted me from truly experiencing moments.
What I was focused on, much of the time, was my heart’s desire, and I began to obsess and lament over my choices. I wondered if I had made the right decisions or if I should ask for something or change something, in order to secure those things that I longed for.
Feeling that way, wanting, grasping, plotting and trying to get what I wanted, as a submissive, made me feel guilty, wrong and frankly, not very submissive. I searched and searched through my feelings, and blamed myself for them, as opposed to fixing the real issue, which just began another negative cycle.
And then it hit me...
The "thing" that I was looking at and trying to fix was the feeling and/or the desire itself. I was looking in the wrong place.
What was my intention? What were my reasons for wanting these things?
My epiphany...
After my Sensei taught me about the difference between wanting something and getting it, the answer became crystal clear.
The TWO words that I needed to remember, above all else were:
SO WHAT?
My feelings are valid, normal, real and human.
SO WHAT?
So what if I want something? Does that mean that I should have it and have it in the manner and time frame in which I demand?
So what if I desire and crave something? Does that mean that I should just reach out and TAKE it in the manner that pleases me the most?
So what if I feel the pangs of temporary hunger and thirst? Does that mean that I should fill myself until I can no longer want?
No, no and no.
My lessons lately are about self observation and control.
They are about learning to take my valid feelings and human emotions and set them aside, for they are what they are, and nothing needs to be done about them.
I just “am”.
My lesson is about controlling my behavior by not acting on every impulse that enters my busy little monkey mind.
My lesson...is about being grateful right now, in this moment.
My lesson...is about release, surrender and sacrifice.
So...
what next?
-kyuuri
