“Noiseless”... “is that a word?” Cara wonders.
It doesn't really matter in the scheme of things, for it is 2am on a Monday and once again she sits crouched, knees to chest, in the hallway of her one bedroom apartment. Her arms stiffly hug both sides of her legs and her head hangs in a slump of defeat.
“I am not a coward!” Cara screams in her mind. “I…am not afraid.” But the soothing words fail to calm her regardless of how intently she wants to believe in them. Instead, she sits paralyzed, waiting for the sun to rise again.
On the left of Cara’s stifling body is a door to the bedroom that she shares with her one year old daughter, Mylie. On the right, there is a wall with a large oval window and a walkway to the other parts of their little home. The two have lived in this “City of Angels” apartment for almost six months now, yet every creak in the wood floor, every wind brushed shutter and every tick of a lonesome clock seem intensely ominous.
It is during these moments, in the early hours of the morning, that Cara feels most alone. She crouches every single night in this hallway, crying softly into herself, and fearing all things that are outside of her control.
Cara never “planned” on being a single mom, but planned or not, the facts remained the same, and at the ripe old age of 21 she found herself completely alone, except for the endless supply of bitter rocks and begrudging stones with which she incoherently used to build herself an elaborate, emotional fortress.
As the years went by, Cara and Mylie remained in their dark little house, silently dredging from one paycheck to the next, just to stay afloat. “Why not stay here?” she said to no one, “there’s nowhere else for us to go anyway.” Looking around at the yellowing walls, she consistently finished her first morning regrets with these powerful words, “this is all there is for us.”
And so it was…
For exactly 17 years and in the exact way Cara had created, the dingy apartment, the shrinking hallway, and the solid walls of a lonely woman’s fortress, were all that these two had ever experienced.
Never, in all of her almost 18 years, had Mylie seen any beauty in the world, and tonight, as she stared at the abrupt goodbye note that her mother had left for her, Mylie had also had given up hope.
With the unexpected departure of her mother, suddenly, everything that Mylie had ever known, every fear laden plan she had ever made, had disappeared, as if it were built on nothing but sand.
Later that morning, by the light of a dawning sun, Mylie's crouched form lay in the hallway, her arms tightly gripping the sides of her legs, her body motionless and paralyzed, and exactly as her mother, the girl was unable to move due to fear of everything that was outside of her control.
Loneliness… Whether one is truly alone or whether they are lonely by simple habit, or choice, loneliness builds the fortress high.
Mylie had just settled in to the crouching position, ready to take on the hallway for the rest of her life, when a light flashed bright in to the corner of her eye. She hesitantly lifted her head up, trying to cover the glare with one of her hands, “Who’s there?” she called out to the night. But when she was finally able to focus the mysterious light was gone.
Mylie stared for a moment in the direction of where it had shone, wondering, “was it mom?” “Was it God?”
She instinctively thought of checking it out, seeing what was out there, but sadly, the emotional fortress that her mother had built was now protectively guarding her in it's lie. Mylie sat in the hallway a few minutes longer and then, by some stroke of luck and strength, she decided to try something that could very well have changed her life forever.
“I am not a coward!” she screamed at the top of her lungs. “I am NOT afraid!”
As Mylie evoked the magical words, that her mother could not speak out loud, she felt her body begin to shake. At first, there was just a grumble, a slight crack in the foundation, but soon, as she stayed focused on her new mantra, the grumble became a roar, which was the breaking of the walls in an imprisoned mind. With each rumble and roar, and as each stone would fall; Mylie became a little more independent, and just a little more sure of HERSELF.
That night and in to the morning, Mylie broke through the window,and walked straight ahead, in search of the warming light. At first she didn’t see anything magical, no parting waters or turning blood to wine, but once she was able to see clearer, a tiny, glowing ember of light appeared, far off in the distance.
Safe thoughts like, "is this the way to go?" and "will this be a painful road?" ran through her fractured mind. She thought about the risks and the possibility of failure. She thought of fear and of loss and then, as if finally being led by something bigger than herself, Mylie began to think of nothing at all.
Mindless and free, resolved and undefined, she took the steps needed to reach the light.
It has been said that after she boarded the train that day, a tattered goodbye note, tiny shards of oval-shaped glass and a winding trail of stones were all that she left behind.
-kyuuri
